Out of Her Bloomin' Mind
by blueparachutedress
Summary: It's all fun and games until the Cheshire Cat embarrasses Alice in front of the Queen and her retainers. But Alice won't let bygones be bygones so easily.


With yet another ungainly stroke, the Queen had swung her flamingo and missed the hedgehog completely. It mattered not, for the little creature scurried through all of the cards, some of whom scrambled into position so that it could roll under them. This, of course, was followed by the rigorous cheering of the cards. Everyone applauded the Queen's unearned win, all except for one Alice. The young girl was beginning to grow tired of the blatantly rigged game. First, she had failed to find a way home, and now she was trapped in a game of croquet competing with the most mentally unstable individual she had encountered yet in Wonderland. Alice's attention shifted to her flamingo, who was wildly applauding the Queen's most recent score. The obnoxious bird had been uncooperative throughout the entire game, and, even when she did manage to hit the hedgehog, the Queen's cards would move out of the way to ensure Alice wouldn't score a single point.

"I do wish this game would come to an end," Alice grumbled to herself. "If I'm lucky, I suppose I could slink away and try to find a way home without the Queen noticing.

"Carrying on well?" asked the Cheshire Cat.

"Not in the least!" said Alice,

"Come hither, child!" the Queen shouted. "Don't delay, if you value your head!"

"B-But I-" Alice stuttered, still slightly distracted by the Cheshire Cat.

The Queen shot Alice a gaze of deadly intent, coercing the poor girl to step up to bat. The Cheshire Cat had dematerialized by this point, only to reappear behind Alice without her or anyone else noticing him.

"Would you like to make this game a lot more fun?" the Cheshire Cat whispered to Alice's flamingo.

Alice's flamingo giddily nodded in agreement. The Cheshire Cat grabbed ahold of the flamingo and very stealthily hooked its beak underneath her skirt and petticoat. When Alice tried to take a swing at the hedgehog, the flamingo flipped her over on her back. To everyone besides Alice, it was a most amusing sight: Alice was lying on her back with her legs in the air and her skirt and petticoat covering her upper body. Her frilly white bloomers were on display for all to see. The Queen and her cards burst out laughing at Alice's expense. Normally, the Queen would order the executions of players who made such a blunder in the middle of a game, but she couldn't help but make an exception in this case. The sight of Alice with her bloomers exposed was enough to make her guffaw. The White Rabbit stood silent, nervously thumping his foot, but one deadly glare from the Queen convinced him to join in the humiliation. When Alice came to her senses, she could hear laughter all around her. Upon realizing what had happened, she quickly got up, covered up her bloomers, and straightened herself as quickly as she could to avoid further embarrassment. Unfortunately, the damage had been done. All around her was nothing but heckling spectators; no one spared her even the slightest ridicule.

"I've never seen such a terrible croquet player!" said the ace of diamonds.

"Please do that again!" shouted the five of spades, who was rolling on the ground with laughter. "Maybe you'll go flying this time!"

"Yer supposed to hit the hedgehog," the knave of hearts shouted through laughs, "not show off yer bloomin' bloomers!"

All of this humiliation was as much as Alice could bear. At the moment, she wasn't concerned with getting home; she was more concerned with teaching the Queen and her toadies a lesson. Alice removed both of the mushroom pieces she had saved from earlier from her pinafore and ate the one in her right hand without thinking. In an instant, she shrank down to the size of a mouse. There was an uproar of howling laughter from the Queen and her cronies at Alice's error. This Alice then looked at the second piece she was holding in her left hand.

"Right!" said Alice "It's this one then!"

Alice bit off a chunk of the second piece and instantly grew to the size of a house. The cards' expressions quickly turned from one of amusement to one of sheer terror. The White Rabbit, not wanting to fall victim to Alice's anger, scampered away and dove into a large bush. The Queen quickly grabbed ahold of the King and held him in front as a human shield, just in case Alice decided to direct her wrath towards the Queen. The flamingoes and the hedgehogs were nowhere to be found, for they had already fled the scene. Alice took three gigantic steps towards the Queen; the ground shook with every step she took. As she drew closer to the Queen, a battalion of cards armed with spears fell into position to halt her advance.

"Protect the Queen at all costs," shouted the captain of the guards.

The cards poked at Alice with their spears, but the spears had little to no effect on Alice. Alice promptly kicked the cards to the side and continued to move toward the Queen, who was still cowering in fear. With Alice bending down directly over her, the Queen was helpless to escape her predicament.

"Now now, my dear," the Queen stammered. "Surely we can talk things over? Let bygones be bygones, you know?"

"Let bygones be bygones indeed!" barked Alice, stamping her foot. "I've put up with enough nonsense and humiliation for one day! Perhaps it's time someone taught you a lesson in manners?"

Before the Queen could react, Alice grabbed her by the back of her skirt and picked her up so forcefully that she dropped the King. Alice turned to see the few cards who had stood their ground begin to run away. Alice flung the Queen as hard she could, sending her rolling like a bowling ball towards the cards. The Queen slammed into the hapless cards with a loud crash. When the dust cleared, Alice saw that the Queen was upended with her heart-printed bloomers on display. What started as a chuckle quickly escalated as Alice erupted into laughter. All the stress and anger that she had previously felt had finally evaporated.

"Well," said Alice with a laugh, "I never knew they made bloomers in that size!"

The Queen, still disoriented from being thrown so hard, slowly rose up in time to see Alice walking towards her again. She would have gotten up and tried to run away if not for the fact that she could scarcely move her body. Alice bent over the disoriented tyrant.

"Now," said Alice, "I shall ask you again once more: how can I find my way home?"

"I-I-In that d-direction," the Queen said, pointing to the west, "y-you shall find a c-cave. Those who have v-ventured into the cave c-claim it has t-taken them to different r-realms."

"Thank you so very much," Alice replied in a condescending tone and with a derisive curtsy, "your Majesty."

Alice turned and walked away from the Queen, but then she came to a sudden stop.

"By the by, your majesty," said Alice, looking over her shoulder at the utterly humiliated and mortified Queen, "red hearts on bloomers are so passé!"

Alice laughed heartily and mockingly as she walked off into the sunset. The Queen lay down on her back and let out a heaving sigh. What had started off as the most amusing day of her life had quickly degenerated into the most humiliating. Suddenly, she heard some derisive snickering emanating from someone or something in the tree to her right. As she looked up at the tree, she noticed a grinning cat with purple and pink stripes slowly materialize. It was none other than the Cheshire Cat, and he was most pleased with the chaos he had wrought this day. The mischievous feline looked down at her with glee.

"This evening has been a most amusing one," said the Cheshire Cat. "I must thank you and that girl for making it possible."

Before the Queen could order her guards to attack the Cheshire Cat, the sneaky feline vanished into thin air. Once again, the Queen found herself alone in her misery. But the Queen swore one vow to herself.

"If that wretched girl should ever wander into my kingdom again," she said to herself, "I'll make sure that her head will roll." 


End file.
